


in the beginning you will find your faith renewed

by spock



Category: Brokeback Mountain - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Camping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-25 16:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4967641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spock/pseuds/spock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“That summer,” said Ennis. “When we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate somethin bad at that place in Dubois. Took me about a year a figure out it was that I shouldn’t a let you out a my sights. Too late then by a long, long while.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the beginning you will find your faith renewed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Talullah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/gifts).



It took every bit of strength that Jack had inside of him to keep his foot on the gas, adding to the distance that stretched out between him and Ennis, separating them, not a thing left to do but drive farther and farther away. He told himself that he wouldn't glance back, a mantra that he'd taken to muttering under his breath every fifteen or so feet. He had to put the summer behind him, starting right then, no take-backs, yet sure enough, right as the latest stretch of fifteen came to an end, barely marking a mile traveled, his eyes drifted up to the review. 

The view behind him at changed since the last time he'd glanced back; instead of Ennis trudging on alongside the road, head ducked down so that all Jack had been able to see was the brim of his hat, Jack caught sight of Ennis just as he disappeared into some alleyway off the main road, vanished. Jack nearly shot himself straight though the window, never slammed on the breaks so hard in his goddamn life.

He'd been the only one on the road since he pulled out of old Aguirre's and it'd been easy to swing his truck across the opposite lane and make an illegal U-turn, foot pressed right back down onto the gas, with meaning this time, until all the distance he'd carved out between them was eaten up again and he could pull in to park up against the curb. 

Jack stepped out of the cab as quickly as he could, hadn't slammed the door closed like he usually did, hadn't bothered to close it at all, just in case it startled Ennis from wherever he was hiding. Jack squinted his eyes and saw the shape of Ennis a handful of paces away, hunched over damn near in two, kneeled over on the ground at his knees, eyes screwed shut with his fist pressed against the wall in front of him as he moaned and gasped, as if he'd been dying. 

"Ennis?" Jack kept his voice low, used the same tone he took up whenever he had to deal with any such colt that had gotten itself agitated. 

It worked better on the horses. Ennis startled so bad that he'd toppled backward over onto his has. His face caught in the light as his head snapped up, whipped a look at Jack, enough that Jack had been able to see the snot that dripped from his nose, the way his cheeks were wetter than if it'd been raining, his face stained a milky-red. 

"Shit, Ennis." He awkwardly stuck his hands out in front of him, walked slow, one foot in front of the other in exaggerated steps, worried that Ennis might have felt the need to bolt or throw a punch or worse. Ennis kept his gaze fixed on Jack the entire time Jack walked towards him, eyes wide like he'd been looking at a ghost.

Jack fixed himself into a crouch once he'd reached Ennis' side, not too keen on sitting in one of the half-melted piles of snow that dotted the ground. Ennis' pants had been practically soaked through. "Ennis, hey," he said again, gentle, brushed the backs of his knuckles against the stubble-rough skin of Ennis' cheek. Ennis had been warm to the touch, far too warm for someone who had been walking with the cold, mid-August wind blowing in their face, and who had then taken themselves a bath in a snowbank, but Jack couldn't tell if it was on account of how upset was or if it might have been the onset of fever.

Ennis' expression of shock eventually faded away into nothingness, his feelings tucked behind his shell again. He looked away from Jack and pressed his face into his knees, hiding himself away, breathed in deep and then released out a handful of shudders that shook his frame, too thin as it was. Jack settled his hand on Ennis' back, waited to be told off for doing as much, but it never came. Jack felt the full weight of the northern plains tumbling down onto him as he sat and did nothing besides feel useless. 

He told himself that he'd stay that way, balanced on his toes, rubbing circles on Ennis' back though his coat, for however long Ennis needed.

Jack got Ennis settled into the passenger side of his truck and then headed off opposite of where he'd been going. Neither of them had the cash to waste on a room so they headed up back towards Brokeback, long road stretched out in front of them, radio off, the cab silent except for the odd sniff Ennis breathed in, which made Jack lean forward and switch on his sad excuse for a heater. They stopped just the once, pulled over into a gas station to pick up a fifth of whiskey and a tin of hand salve that Jack hid inside his coat pocket before he got back to the truck where Ennis had been waiting. He tucked the bottle under his own seat, not wanting Ennis to get into it before they'd even gotten halfway there.

They reached the Forest Service's platform just after the sun had disappeared out of sight, stars twitching to life above them, like street lamps turning on to mark the start of curfew. Jack switched off the ignition and sat in his seat for a moment, listened to the ticking of the engine, glanced at Ennis from the corner of his eye.

"Friend," he said, "You and I both know I can carry on a conversation well enough for the both of us, but..." Jack trailed off and gestured between them with his hand. Ennis grunted and popped the door open, stepped out into the darkness, endless wind whipping up even that far down the slope, just the right time of year that the air smelled sweet even tough the chill made them button their coats up to their throats, carried down the soil and dying foliage from up high. 

With a sigh, Jack reached under his seat and grabbed their bottle of whiskey, stuffed it into his coat pocket, and the glass clinked against the metal canister of salve. He hopped out of the cabin and went to the other side of his truck's bed to help Ennis to fish out Jack's beat-up tent and almost-like-new-secondhand sleeping bag, a gift from his mother. 

They walked the quarter mile to the campsite clearing and then started the slow work of setting up the tent, a river some few miles away muttering in the background, stars above them filtering in just enough weak light through the trees that they were able to set up without risk of breaking their necks. Jack took care to hammer the poles deep into the earth, sure that the wind would pick up in the late hours of the night, soon approaching, and threaten to take their meager shelter away.

Once they were done, Ennis and he split ways to poke around the surrounding tree line, picked up kindling and trudged their way back to the already-made pit. Jack sat back against a log he'd dragged into the campsite and watched as Ennis got a fire going, fishing out his lighter and a crumpled package of cigarettes. He flicked one out and lit up, letting it burn stale clouds in front of his face, turning the air sour, but warm. 

"When you was driving away," Ennis said, still in a crouch as he hunched over the fire, his back facing Jack. "I got them gut cramps, bad. Thought for a second that I'd eaten something wrong, tried to force myself to puke it up." Ennis stopped speaking, evidently finished with what he wanted to say, head angled away, ruddy light from the fire casting deep shadows to the point where Jack couldn't quite make out his face. 

Jack stuffed his cigarette into his mouth and reached into his coat, pulled out the fifth, thumbing at the seal for a few seconds before leaning over his bent knees and tapping the glass to Ennis' side. He was sure that Ennis had more to say, and getting drunk would probably be the only way to get it out of him, lest it be years before Jack finally learned the ending to such a tale. 

Ennis twisted and looked to see what Jack was doing; he took the bottle and started twisting it in his hand, over and over, looked at it real hard. Finally he leant back and sat it near Jack's hip. Ennis kicked himself away from the fire, walked backwards on his hands until he was leaned up against the log right next to Jack, the bottle between them. Ennis' hand took hold of Jack's and bought it to his mouth, getting himself a hit off Jack's cigarette.

"On the drive up here," Ennis continued, finally. "I figured out I shouldn't-a let you out of my sights." 

Jack's hand was frozen up near Ennis' face, hovering. He tossed the butt between his fingers into the fire with a practiced flick of his wrist, sparks shooting up in its wake, and got his hand around Ennis' cheek, fingers cradling and stroking his jaw. "We got us a fucking situation here, friend," Jack said, and he felt out of breath all of a sudden, nothing to fix it besides nosing the hat off of Ennis' head and burying his face in Ennis' dusty hair, breathing in the small of him: the faintest smoke, mountain soot, salty sweet. He put his arm around Ennis and pulled him close, the bottle pressed into their thighs until Ennis kneed it away, glass rolling to a stop when it tapped against the stones keeping the fire in.

He kept Ennis housed against his chest, Ennis' head tucked underneath Jack's chin. He eased his arm from around Ennis' shoulders, dragged his hand the entire way, felt Ennis up, let the pads of his fingers catch against Ennis' stubble, hooked one against Ennis' lip for a spell, tugged at the skin until Ennis licked out on reflex, wetting his lips. Jack dropped his hand into his coat pocket and fingered the salve for a heartbeat before clutching it tight into his palm. 

He slid that hand down between Ennis' legs, letting the edge of the tin press into the seam of Ennis' jeans. Ennis breathed slow and quiet, his heartbeat thumping against Jack's chest, like electricity, as Jack petted him into a trance. Jack dipped his head and spoke right into Ennis ear, saying, "Listen here Ennis, my parents is old and can hardly run that spread of their's themselves."

Ennis started to spook, muscles tensed up. "Jack," he said, a wealth of warning, of excuses, compacted into his name. 

" _Listen_." Jack kept his voice firm, tone still low and hushed and gentle, the one hand still touching Ennis' face, the other pressing that tin of slave up against Ennis' dick. He could tell that Ennis had started to thicken up, was beginning to press back. "My daddy — cheap sumbitch won't pay no hands to whip that place into shape, but Ennis, you and me, we could get everything settled before the winter really got going; by spring we could get us started on a little cow and calf operation. Wouldn't be long after that we could bring in horses. Land's big enough that we could build a cabin on the other side of the property — it'd be like we was all alone."

Jack held his breath and kept quiet, heart seizing in fear when he felt Ennis' shoulder drop. He didn't think he could shoulder the rejection, so he pleaded, "Just thick about it, Ennis. Don't answer me now, just think on it." Jack was sure he didn't breathe until Ennis nodded, hair scratching against Jack's neck, and then it had felt as if the air had come rushing out of him all at once, nearly choking him. 

"Alright," Jack murmured, speaking mostly to reassure himself. "Alright." The moon was seated fully above them now, gave off enough light that it nearly rivaled the day, even through the tree's canopy, but the wind had started picking up just like Jack had expected too, tumbled down from the peaks thousands of miles above them, picked up speed as it fall back to earth. "It's been a long day," he said, raising his hand from between Ennis' legs, that chill in the air unable to sap the warmth from his skin, not when it'd been burned into his bones by his touching of Ennis' own body. He took Ennis' hand into his own, lacing their fingers together, tin held between their palms, and Jack smiled when Ennis tipped his head up and nuzzled his nose into Jack's cheek. "Let's get to bed."

**Author's Note:**

> just for the fun of it, i worked in a few references to the short story here and there. the actual summary is an exact passage from it, in fact!
> 
> this time around it didn't take ennis a year (plus three) to realize what he and jack had was the real deal. you said that you liked canon-divergences where things still ended up the same, so it's up to you if ennis decides to go with jack and they live a long, happy life together, or if he goes off to marry alma and things happen just as they do in canon. hell, maybe jack and ennis do get a few blissful years of rancher life...but then jack meets his end the same way earl did, just as ennis always feared? 
> 
> a tricky-treat if there ever was one. happy halloween!


End file.
